love actually

When I was a kid, I watched Disney fairy tales; Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty. It was planted on my mind that somewhere in life, girls are princesses and guys are princes. But during my teens and adult years (as many people are), we’re designed and programmed that reality is different. I didn’t got a kiss from my prince when I was sixteen years old, like Aurora in Sleeping Beauty. I didn’t have seven dwarfs who cared for me and I didn’t have a fairy god mother like Cinderella. There were many awkward moments and insecurities in my teen years. And somewhere in my early 20s, I fell in love and I got my very first deep heartbreak.

Knowing that being in love gives you absolute no control on your own feelings and knowing that the person you love have a full access to hurt you, makes me feel like being in love, well, suck. After striving to stand up on my own again, surviving (yes, that’s the word), I decided to be ready to be in love again. I was free and I opened the door in me. Perhaps this new guy wasn’t the ideal guy. But I didn’t care. As long as he cared for me, and as long as my closest people thinks he’s great. But what then? It wasn’t another great love, it wasn’t love really. I thought, hey I don’t need love. Now I can control this, I can work it out. We can work it out. But relationship need two people to work it out. It began to hit me that, I can’t work alone. And, without maintaining, it faded and I woke up realizing that I was on denial.

It struck me that even when I’m over my heartbreak and started again, I am still afraid of being in love. I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m afraid of feeling stupid, vulnerable and exposed. The thought of ‘Why am I doing this?’ And ‘I can’t believe I wasted years and blindly in love with him’, I just can’t bear it. But really, the truth is, when you’re in love, there isn’t any other choice to try and follow. It’s a tricky thing and you can’t undo it. Aside from the pain and fear of losing, fall in love is actually a gift.

After 5 years being free of (fall in) love, I’ve finally met my next love. I built my own wall for guys, even way before that. And even though I did not respond on his approaches, he tried harder and so persistent. He climbed on to my wall and he sees everything about me. Love every little detail of me, even the part that I don’t like from myself.

I used to hear love quotes about ‘find a guy who loves you for you, who love every little bit of you’. But I couldn’t help but think there isn’t any. I was bitter for long enough I couldn’t remember. And I guarded myself not to fall into anything that might hurt me. But he takes away all that. And he himself told me, that he’s very serious and it’s the deepest feeling he ever have for a girl.

For me who survived from a heartbreak and never letting myself to go in the cycle of being in love again, it’s a surreal feeling. I’m in love myself, but a (perfect) guy who really love me for me, it’s very unusual. One in a million. Almost a fairy tale. Of course, not all of it is perfect. There are somethings that need to be work for to start a new life together, but I still a have a hard time believing that we are great together. And that we are perfect. And he does love me.

And then it struck me, why is it so hard to believe? Was it years of facing bitter truth and reality? Why is it so hard to digest that the idea of ideal relationship and marriage can be mine? Plenty of divorces and separation around, from the media and my closest people have me believe that many relationship will/can end. Even the ones with perfect wedding and the ones who started early and steady in love.

Life is all about trying and taking chances. If you don’t try, then you already lose. I am now in the state of fear. But I’ve spent my life to learn that fear has distracted me from my intentions and my goals. So, no, I won’t want fear to distract me again. I want to take courage now. And now at least, I am not the girl 10 years ago. There’s a reason why I fall in love again now. And maybe, just maybe, that he might be the one.


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sunglow mama

Jakarta (Indonesian) based blogger, 33, loves beautiful things and to write about them

3 thoughts on “Believe.”

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