I’m not going to lie. These past year has been rough.
I didn’t do the things I do like years before. I’ve been away from things I usually (and thought) would make me happy. I am in a quieter place, but far more peaceful and less noise. I’ve been struggling and wondering why I am in this new place. It was so quiet and sometimes nearly nothing to expect.
No, I’m not dying if I sounded like that. I’m just realizing how different I’ve changed after I let go some of the things that I thought would make me happy. I let go a lot of things actually. And, at the same time take on a lot of new things. Now I see that I have become this new person that my 20s self would say, ‘Huh, didn’t see that coming.’
Well, change is the only permanent thing in life, right?
After my father died and my own small business staggered, I wondered what is next on my plate. Some women love being a full time wife, but I feel like something is missing. And, as far as I am concern, I am not that traditional. But still, I have this thought, just a brief thought that passed by, saying, ‘I might as well have a baby.’
I have a confession. I am not one of those women who is dying for marriage and want to have lots of kids like Kris Jenner. I studied in the best college to reach high, went to a job with longer hours sometimes (often women in my work field just realized that they aren’t that young anymore and need to get married), have a independent working mom who told me to always be independent and be a career woman. But then I met my husband and get married, and no longer a career woman. No, I wasn’t the type of woman who automatically wants a baby after I got married. I took time.
I never said things like, ‘Well, we want to take time a couple of years before we have a baby.’ because I heard that couples who said that ended up don’t have a baby for years later, unfortunately. Well maybe because it was never their decision in the first place. But I wasn’t ready. I was once quite terrified being a parent. All of the responsibilities, and how it sometimes (or many times) changes things.
What prep me though?
Maybe doing all of these responsibility as a wife, maybe my new life has changed me. Seeing my friends changed from once a career woman to be loving dedicated mothers. Their dedication and cute kids. Their happiness. Also, my friends who want a baby again after having a baby (and the chaotic early phase raising a baby). Also seeing mothers being affectionate with their kids and how they love them back. But strongly I think, after my father died. I remembered he would give me a verse of Qur’an to read for us to ask for a baby. I think at one point he then realized that we’re not in a hurry, but he didn’t exactly disappointed. But it is one of his habit to pray for us. I know that it would make him happy if we have a baby.
And then ‘poof’.
Well not just ‘poof’.
One day, just several months after he died, I felt strange that a couple of random strangers in a different place and coincidentally asked me, ‘Are you currently pregnant?’ Random stranger one is a motorcycle driver hired to take me to some place, when we were riding in a bumpy road. Another random stranger is the lady in drugstore about to give me a tooth medicine (I never took the medicine because I’m not sure if I am not pregnant). ‘Well, that’s odd.’ I thought about these completely strangers asking the same thing. Some days I felt little nausea too.
Not until couple of weeks ahead I get my test pack. Positive. And I bought two more. All positive. Okay. He is really listening to me. Or, He listens my brief thought and this is a gift after my father passed away. Oh my, I’m pregnant. I am happy with the news. Surely am. But some days I woke up and thought, ‘Oh my, I’m pregnant.’
‘Did I ate something bad?’ and oh, ‘Oh, that other day I drank coffee’ (Later I found out that it’s okay to consume a bit of coffee).
Nausea and more nausea. And I hated my husband’s smell. Always sleepy, and my sense of smell get really high. I can’t eat chicken because it makes me throw up. And much other food I usually enjoyed, I can’t even look at them. All of those greasy food is just gross for me. It was such a torture at first.
Then I saw my ultra sound and happy hearing that the baby have a healthy heartbeat. And then I thought, ‘Oh my, I’m pregnant.’ I think all of these motherhood tendency is growing as well.
Now I’m 17 weeks pregnant. Praying and hope that everything would go well. Praying that I won’t be the type of mother I hate. Praying that I would eat well until the baby is born. Praying that I won’t wreck the baby and raise him okay. Just pray that everything would be okay.
Also feel blessed with all of my ‘quietness’ today actually maybe to prepare myself for the all the madness of having a baby. Happy madness, I hope. Always believe anything happens for a reason.
I now that many months ahead could be chaotic. But who knows? I might as well enjoy it while I can, when I can.